This journey of mine: beauty from ashes

Focal Point

2010-04-02T22:15:00.003-04:00

The focal point. The part of a picture that the eye is drawn to, that everything else points to and leads to. Whatever one's vantage point, the focal point is the part of the picture that is most important to the eye.

I think our human history has a focal point as well. The cross. Ever since the fall of man, people looked for a coming savior. Ever since Jesus died on the cross, everything has pointed back to Him. The cross...the moment Christ died...was the one moment that changed it all. The veil in the temple was torn, and the way was opened for us to once again approach the Most High God without a mediator other than the blood of Christ. The cross really did change everything. The Creator died willingly for the love of his creation, and death brought life. And all the hope in the world points back to one dark day.

Today, Good Friday, is not an enjoyable day for me. I don't like death...in fact, I hate it, and I'm impatient for Sunday. I'm impatient to declare again that my Savior is risen, that the tomb is empty, and that death is swallowed up in victory! But if the cross really is the focal point of history, then I need this day to focus on it. Without the death of Jesus, there could be no resurrection and no reason to celebrate. Without His blood being shed, I would not be redeemed. So today, the cross is both focal point...and focus.

Too much April Fool

2010-04-02T00:49:00.002-04:00

Just a quick post, for the wee hours of the morning. Yesterday, of course, was April Fool's Day. Aka, the day when you cannot believe anything you hear or see. Or, the day you drive yourself crazy second-guessing everything, suspecting everyone, and disbelieving everything you come across. It's usually a fun and funny day, but this year it was just exhausting. For many reasons...of course there are always many reasons...but one stands out to me. Not trusting anyone or anything is really very wearing. Always being on your guard and always suspecting that someone is trying to get the better of you is very wearing. And not being sure who holds the truth is most wearing of all.

But in thinking of all this, it made me so glad and so relieved to know that no matter who I have to suspect on this day, and even if I cannot trust anything anyone says to me, I still have a God who can always be trusted. No matter what I end up doubting, I have a firm and solid foundation to count on. No matter who is trying to trick me, there is one who never will. There is a hope to anchor our souls to...sure and steadfast. Grace to rest our hope on fully.

I apologize if this is very disjointed and sounds strange, it's the late night ramblings of one who should really be asleep!

Perspective

2010-03-27T15:14:00.004-04:00

I'm re-posting this from my old blog because it's very prominent in my mind right now. A lesson God continually has to re-teach me! (and don't worry, part 2 is still coming. I've got a lot I'm thinking over for it.)

It only takes a moment

for eyes to be opened

a blinding flash

of what should have been obvious

or just a subtle flutter of the veil.

Either way revealing

the truth of the matter

and the way things really are.

Just a glimpse into eternity

a looking from outside myself

seeing through another’s eyes,

through His eyes.

Just long enough to see

how exactly wrong I am

and how upside down

my perception of reality.

His is the true reality

the one that lies beyond

the skin of this world

and often beyond my understanding.

How many times I’ve cried

because I didn’t see

how He see differently

and works toward an end

which is not the one I had in mind.

Until those moments come

when by His grace I see

from a new perspective

if only for a moment.

Finally sinking in

2010-03-18T21:46:00.002-04:00

It’s something I’ve always heard. Something I’ve always known to be true. Always acknowledged, always even believed to an extent. But I don’t think I’ve ever fully owned it. Something has always held me back. There’s always been a “yes, but…”. I think it’s finally truly sinking in, though. I’m talking about this passage of scripture:

“For in [Christ] dwells all the fullness of the Godhead bodily; and you are complete in Him, who is the head of all principality and power.” –Colossians 2:9-10

Complete. Complete in Him. To be complete is to lack nothing, to be whole, entire, having all that is necessary, to be fully realized. In Christ, I am whole. I lack nothing. In Christ, and only in Christ. He is the one who completes me, who did all that is necessary for me to be whole and lacking nothing, and the only one who will or even can ever fill and satisfy me.

“The only one who…can ever fill and satisfy me.” That’s where the “yes, but…” has always come in. Yes, I believe Jesus is the only one who completes me, but somehow I’m not really completely complete without this other person. This other person might just be a vague idea of the perfect man (or woman, as the case may be) someday in the certain to be perfect future, or someone very real with a real name and face attached. And the lie creeps in, and somewhere along the line as I grew up, the lie began to appear more real than the truth. Lies have a way of doing that. I never meant to believe a lie, never was consciously aware of doing so. I thought I was right. I thought my “yes, but…” was really what complete meant.

Until…enough of the “yes, but…” was stripped away, very painfully, that the truth was finally able to begin sinking in. Wow. Complete really does mean fully complete. Not almost complete. Lacking nothing really does mean lacking nothing, not lacking just one thing. Entire means entire. Whole means whole. Even as I’m writing this, it just hit me that complete means that the only reason pieces are missing is because I have chosen to let them be missing. The only emptiness is because is because I have turned to something other than Jesus to fill in the holes and the empty spaces.

Part 2 will be coming soon, but for now it is enough to say that the truth is finally sinking in. I am complete in Him.

Lessons from a fig tree

2010-02-09T20:36:00.003-05:00

Welcome to my world, the world of delighting in finding very unlikely connections between anything and everything that I can. Many of these connections make sense only in my mind, and make other people look at me a little bit funny if I happen to mention them, but I think, or hope at least, that this one will prove an exception to that general rule.

In my Economic Botany class last week, we watched a movie (I love college classes! We get to watch movies!) about the Sycomore Fig tree and the community it in large part creates. This fig tree in Africa is known as the Queen of Trees, with good reason. In many, many ways it supports and creates an entire community that is dependent on it. There are hundreds of species of animals dependent on the fig tree for food, from monkeys to birds to insects and a host of others besides. They consume the fruit and the leaves and the sap, and even each other. The tree is a hunting ground for some, the nesting site for others, and shade and shelter for yet others. Without these fig trees, an entire complex web of many creatures would completely disintegrate.

But. But if you look even closer at the Queen of trees, you will see one more kind of insect. You will have to look closely, because these Fig Wasps are minuscule. But. But they are vital. These tiny, ephemeral wasps are responsible for the pollination of the flowers of the fig tree, the flowers that grow inside the young figs. The flowers are almost impossible to access. The fig wasps are the only pollinators capable of doing so. Yes, there is an entire community dependent on the fig tree--but. But the huge fig tree, living for many years and supporting so many others is completely dependent on a tiny wasp that lives mere hours. Without the wasps to pollinate the fig flowers and ensure a continuing population of fig trees, the entire system would eventually collapse. It all hinges on one small insect.

I mentioned unlikely connections when I began. There is of course the unlikely connection between the fig wasps and the hundreds of others requiring the fig tree for survival, but I also saw another connection, a Biblical one. Bear with me, this really does make sense.

"But God has chosen the foolish things of the world to put to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to put to shame the things which are mighty; and the base things of the world and the things which are despised God has chosen, and the things which are not, to bring to nothing the things that are, that no flesh should glory in His presence." --1 Corinthians 1:27-29

Wow. God chooses the weak, the foolish, the despised, the base things of this world to put to shame the mighty and wise things. What could be weaker than the fig wasp? Or stronger than the fig tree? Yet, though it may seem foolish, the weak little wasp puts to shame the strong tree that would eventually cease to exist without the wasp. Wow. Truly, His thoughts are not our thoughts, and His ways are not our ways.

My thoughts, His thoughts

2010-02-03T21:39:00.004-05:00

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways my ways," says the Lord. "For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts."

Such an easy passage to quote, but such a hard one to put faith behind. If God's ways are higher than my ways, and His thoughts higher than my thoughts, then His plans for me have to be better than my plans for me. Yet it's so, so hard for me to accept this. It's so hard for me to let go of what I'm holding onto and trust that God will fill my hands with something better in His timing. My thoughts, my human mindset, my limited view of things want God to show me what He has before I can trust Him that He has something better. But His mindset is different. He wants me to trust Him that He does have something better whether I see it or not. I want God to show me, and then I'll trust Him, He wants me to trust Him and then He'll show me.

That's where I am right now, caught between my mindset and God's, the thoughts of heaven and the thoughts of earth. It's so unnatural to try to wrap my human mind around the infinite thoughts of God. I can try, but I can never manage to see or comprehend what He's doing. I always want to understand, but sometimes all I'm supposed to do is trust. And honestly, I'm not very good at that. It's a struggle these days...to just accept that God's thoughts and ways are higher and leave it at that. That seems like a bad place to abruptly end a post, but like me right now on this very subject, it's not finished off or tied up neatly...

Beautiful Day

2010-01-22T17:06:00.013-05:00

One of my very occasional forays into poetry

One night I told you
Of my fear, and through the fear,
That no one ever saw me-would ever see me
As beautiful.

Of the voices I heard
Every day, and with
Every look into the mirror.
The ones telling me
That I never could be
Beautiful.

I was so scared of being hurt
Afraid to let you see, to be
Vulnerable.
And afraid to see
What you would say.

But then you told me…
You are beautiful.
Inside and out.

And that next day,
Just for one day,
I believed you.
I was different.
I was changed.
I was beautiful.

One day I felt beautiful
One day I rose above it all
One day I looked,
And laughed
At the voices.
One day I was beautiful
One beautiful day.

Thoughts on journeying and waiting

2010-01-11T14:15:00.003-05:00

The “journey” in my blog name is meant to be mostly metaphorical, the journey through life. However, it is also quite literal at times. Right now, I’m writing this as I’m driving through Pennsylvania, heading home from taking one of my sisters back up to school in New York. Well, I’m not actually writing as I drive, but rather, as I ride, since typing and driving at the same time is probably illegal, and at the very least, extremely foolish (and although I said I sometimes do crazy things, I do have at least a small portion of common sense…sometimes). I’ll have to actually post this once I get back home, as, tragically, I currently have no internet connection.

Any journey may take the traveler through some very interesting places along the way. Driving from lovely cold South Jersey through lovely colder Pennsylvania to lovely extremely cold New York state, I’ve seen some of the strangest names of towns and places and streets I have ever come across. We just now passed through the small town of Kunkle, PA. On the way up north yesterday, I saw signs for Stroudsburg, and about an hour ago, a few for Kaiserville—names that are a bit of an inside joke for Dekkies or anyone who participated in the Books of History game. Other names seen: Turbotville, Tinkerpaugh (I think that was it! The town of Faux was also posted on the same sign), Forty Fort, Loyalsock, just to name a few.

Just as this journey has taken me through some different and certainly interesting places, life’s journey does the same. (Anyone who saw that analogy coming, comment saying so and you will receive one point.[i]) I can’t say that I really like the point I’m at in life right now. I’m confused about what I’m doing and where I’m supposed to be going. I’m really frustrated with myself and with life because I feel like I’ve done very little of any lasting worth in the past few years, like I’ve done nothing but spin my wheels since graduating from high school. It’s frustrating and it’s discouraging to have no answer when people ask me what my major is, what I’m going to school for, or what I want to do with my life, because I don’t have an answer. And anyone who knows me well knows that there is little I hate more than not having the answers, which makes this fogginess more frustrating still.

Schools and classes and majors—those are just the surface things. Surface things I need to figure out and desperately wish I had the answers to, but superficial nonetheless. The real question is both the same and different. What am I doing with my life, really? What is my life’s purpose? Of course, every person’s ultimate calling is to glorify God with his or her life, but specifics can get so fuzzy. My heart’s desire and what I believe someday my main purpose will be is to walk alongside my husband in his calling, and train up our children to run after Christ. But as for what path to take in the meantime, I’m rather lost. Sitting around doing nothing while waiting for Prince Charming to ride up on his white horse cannot honestly be said to be productive training for anything, and laziness is not something that brings glory to God. So…what then?

As I was writing this, the song “While I’m Waiting” by John Waller came up on my playlist on iTunes. I think sometimes God likes arranging the order of my playlists, because this certainly isn’t the first time an incident like this has occurred. As always, it was enough to make me stop for just a moment to listen. These are the lyrics:

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord

Right then and right now, it was a message I needed to hear. I don’t have the answers that I wish I had, that I still need to do my part in figuring out, that I need God’s wisdom and guidance and help finding. But even though I’m still waiting and the waiting is painful, I will do my best to serve Him while I wait, to worship while I’m waiting, and then, what is harder for me sometimes, when I see what the next step is “I will move ahead, bold and confident, taking every step in obedience”. Only by His grace.

[i] Points are solely symbolic. They have no monetary value or intrinsic worth and cannot be redeemed anywhere at any time for anything. Their only worth lies in the dubious bragging rights their possession grants the bearer.

New Beginnings and Old Stories

2010-01-07T21:58:00.003-05:00

I ought to make my first post here something deeply profound, something that's moving and inspiring. But whether it's just me, or whether it's the nature of writing and inspiration, I've come to realize that whenever I find myself waiting around for inspiration, it takes more time to show up than I can afford to spend waiting for it. So this first post here isn't going to be the very thoughtful piece of writing I would really like it to be. But it is something. And it's here. Sitting on this page in front of me, and soon to be out on the wide world of the internet for anyone and everyone to read. (anyone? anyone at all?) For me, that's a new beginning, if a small one; simply sitting down and writing something-anything!-and having it done, instead of putting off for another time because I haven't received any divine inspiration.

If you're reading this, welcome along for the ride. Some people think I'm crazy, and some of what I will say here will vindicate them! Some people think I'm thoughtful, and just maybe wise, some think I'm funny, some think I'm talented in one way or another, and some probably don't think much of anything about me. But no matter what you see of me here, I hope the one thing everyone who finds me here will see is the God that my heart's desire is to glorify with my life, and more than anything I write, that you will see the story I am trying to learn to let Him write for me.

(Oh, and as for the "old stories" part of the title of this post, you can find my older writings here, until I can figure out how to post them on this site.)